Television and radio presenter Amanda Holden has shared a deeply emotional account of the tragic loss of her son, Theo, revealing the personal belief system that has helped her navigate profound grief. The 54-year-old star, married to music producer Chris Hughes, experienced this devastating loss in 2011 when she was seven months pregnant.
A Heartbreaking Discovery
The tragedy unfolded during a routine pregnancy scan, which revealed that her baby boy's heart had stopped beating. Amanda subsequently delivered Theo via Caesarean section. She has described the moment of discovery with raw honesty, recalling an incident she shared during the BBC’s Dear NHS Superstars special in 2020.
"Luckily for us, an obstetrician was coming past and the midwife said to the obstetrician, ‘Please can you go in, I can’t hear the patient’s baby’s heartbeat’," Holden recounted. "And then I heard this guttural screaming. It was the most bizarre thing that’s ever happened to me because it was me. I didn’t know I was doing it. I had no control over myself, I thought it was another person making the noise."
A Personal Philosophy for Healing
While filming her BBC series Amanda & Alan's Greek Job with friend Alan Carr, Amanda visited a church and lit a candle in Theo's memory. It was here she opened up about the philosophical perspective that allowed her to find a path forward.
"I don't want to get maudlin but when we lost Theo there wasn't one moment where I thought 'Why has this happened to me?', but there also wasn't a moment where I sort of blamed God or anything," she explained. "And just the way I accepted it was to say that he chose me just for those few months to see what it was like to live and develop and be in the universe, and then the universe took him back."
She elaborated on this unique, non-religious belief: "I don't think that is religious but I let him go back, that was my belief, rather than he went back to heaven as such, I feel like he went back into the universe and he's out there and he's still part of our family."
Finding Strength and Gratitude
Amanda, who is also mother to daughters Lexi and Hollie, became visibly emotional as she discussed how this belief helped her make sense of the unimaginable. "That's the only way I could make sense of it," she said, holding back tears. "I was so lucky to have him for all that time and even though he was born sleeping he was perfect. I always say I'm a mother of three because I am."
She has also spoken about the crucial support she and her husband received, particularly praising the National Health Service. On her Heart Radio show in 2022, she reflected on her final moments with Theo and the care that followed.
"I held him in my arms and I said goodbye, basically," Amanda shared. "But I couldn't have done it without the incredible team around us. My husband was so strong and so amazing but they got him through it too. And then the days and months afterwards, the same team of people checked on us every single day and it’s not because I’m off the telly or famous or anything like that."
Her enduring gratitude is clear: "I’ll literally do anything for the National Health Service because they got me through it, they got Chris through it and I now thankfully have two healthy girls and a little boy who is still part of the family but just not here."
Amanda Holden's candid discussion provides a powerful insight into one person's journey through grief, highlighting a personal cosmology that finds ongoing connection and meaning in the face of profound loss.
