A leading relationship expert has issued a stark warning that fewer arguments with your partner could ironically be a secret sign your smartphone is destroying your bond.
Dr Kathy Nickerson, a 51-year-old clinical psychologist from Orange County, California, explains that mobile phones are undermining countless relationships, often without couples even realising the damage being done.
The Hidden Danger of 'Micro-Rejections'
While obvious signs like a partner scrolling during a conversation are easy to spot, Dr Nickerson highlights more insidious problems. She identifies 'micro-rejections' – such as a partner repeatedly checking their phone – as a primary culprit.
"Phones are not just a distraction," Dr Nickerson states. "Over-involvement with a phone creates painful emotional distance. This lack of responsiveness sends a subtle but powerful message that the phone is more interesting or valuable than the person sitting right there."
She warns that these tiny moments of dismissal accumulate, making a partner feel insignificant. When people feel devalued, they share less, retreat inward, and slowly drift apart.
Emotional Distance and Avoidance
A key red flag is a growing emotional distance, where one partner becomes less responsive because they are glued to their screen. This can cause the other to withdraw, feeling undervalued.
Dr Nickerson also points to a decline in 'emotional attunement'. Vital cues like eye contact, facial expressions, and tone of voice are lost when someone is half-scrolling during a chat.
"When screens interrupt these cues, empathy drops and partners begin to feel unseen or misunderstood," she notes. "I often hear people say, 'I feel invisible,' which is incredibly destabilising for a relationship."
Perhaps counterintuitively, she warns that phones appearing to reduce arguments is a bad sign. Rather than staying engaged to resolve a dispute, individuals escape to their devices, blocking the healing process. "This avoidance prevents healing and leads to long-term resentment," she cautions.
Breaking the 'Habit Loop' and Rebuilding Connection
The expert reassures that the situation is fixable. She frames excessive phone use as a 'habit loop' driven by the addictive design of smartphones, which people use to regulate stress or escape discomfort.
The solution, she says, is a collaborative team effort, not blame. The aim should be to "protect connection" through clear, agreed boundaries.
Effective strategies include:
- Creating 'tech-free zones' like the dining table or bedroom.
- Placing phones in a designated basket during quality time.
- Setting specific times to check messages rather than constant scrolling.
If only one partner sees the problem, Dr Nickerson advises a gentle approach: "Begin by expressing how their behaviour makes you feel rather than criticising them. A statement like, 'I miss you when we are together but both on our phones,' opens the door to connection."
She concludes with optimism: "Most people are not intentionally ignoring their partner. They are caught in a habit. With compassion and collaboration, couples can rebuild connection, tenderness, and genuine intimacy very quickly."
